My biggest fears

I'm afraid of dying.
Human die so easily. We can be squished, if we fall from high ground we die. If an ant falls from high ground, he will not. Humans are soft... Filled with liquid and jelly organs. And fragile bones.
Cancer. I'm so afraid of cancer. Everyday I'm thinking of cancer. Do I have cancer? How should I know? I'm so worried. The tension has built up, and nowadays I'm close to tears when I think about it.
When I was younger, my Mother got cancer. My way towards her changed. I didn't know how I should look at her. She was acting strong. I was acting stronger. I got used to it. She had it for years. I stopped taking it seriously. The cancer went away but attacked other organs. I thought she would get out of it again. I never realized... At the last hospital... Relatives told me, this part of the hospital are for people who will die soon. I didn't believe them. We slept over, my dad and me. In the morning, nurses called her dead. I didn't believe it. She was still alive. She was breathing, with her eyes open, but they had faded like dead eyes do. I couldn't believe it. I saw it as a coma. She would wake up someday, like a miracle and everybody would be there. She would come home and make it bearable for me.
All my other relatives came. They surrounded me, hugged me crying. Crying out loud to me that I should cry too, but how could I? She was still alive. I didn't understand how people around me could call that being dead. Breathing = alive...
Time passed and it was time for her funeral ceremony. I sat at the front row with my father and he started crying. It was weird for me to see such a strong man cry. He who always had been the one to start arguments in the family. Feisty personality, never serious unless he's angry. I was wondering if he did it just for show. I comforted him, but only little. It was weird.
Why am I here?
I remember looking at the coffin and thinking that my Mother was there. She might still wake up. One of my biggest fears is to be buried alive... I wanted to open the coffin and find her, so I asked my Father if she was there, and in what condition.
"Cremated" he said. I was wondering what they had done with my Mother. Surely they could not have burnt her up. That would be murder... Had they mixed her up with someone else? I just couldn't let myself realize for some reason...
Then I did the worst thing someone can ever do at a funeral. I ran away...